Can’t believe its been over a year since I last posted but then again, I can believe it.
We bought the house. We did work to the house. We moved into the house. We got used to the house. We now have a love/hate relationship with the house. (And bills, but thats mostly a hate/hate relationship.)
We had another baby, so now we have two. A girl (Wubbly) and a boy (Cutie-Boo), whom I adore and they adore each other and watching them each day makes me believe in the beauty of life. (But it also drives me to the brink of insanity cleaning up after them all day, every day.)
Goober started a new job shortly after the move, but now that he’s been there a year, the itch to move on is beginning. The talk of moving south has infiltrated our home. My father is [getting married and] moving to North Carolina next year (another post for another day) and my in-laws are pretending to look in the same area, so the push from our families to move south is getting stronger too. Of course, living in New Jersey and paying for it on one salary is not making staying terribly attractive either. So Goober hunts the culinary job market each night when he comes home.
The baby is just 9 months and on the verge of walking already. My oldest didn’t walk until just after her first birthday. He’s 26 lbs and super cute and flirty, like his father. I’ve actually been able to breastfeed with him the whole time, much to my surprise and joy, but we seem to be hitting a dead-end now. I’m feeling strangely OK with weaning now. We had a long run than I expected and his world is expanding beyond Mommy’s chest. I think now is a good time.
My daughter is acting more and more like a rebellious teenager and its freaking me out. She’s 3 1/2. She is sweet and loving and smart and funny, but lately we’ve been battling through these streaks of intense aggression. And I know a lot of that is my fault- I haven’t handled her well the last few months, trying to take care of this house and a new baby. I took a lot of my frustration and guilt out on her and now its starting to show. And she’s too young to sit down and explain ‘why grown ups sometimes do and say things they don’t mean'; she just thinks I don’t like her. I’m trying desperately to reverse some of the damage but I feel like I’m losing her already and its killing me.
So this week, I’m feeling unsettled, uncomfortable, and a little bit unhappy. I’m always grasping at straws, trying to get this house cleaned or the laundry put away or our paperwork organized but nothing EVER gets finished. I am always a million steps behind and constantly interrupted and I HATE IT. Bu that’s life, right? When you have a 3 1/2 year old and a 9 month old and a chef husband and a first home and are a stay-at-home-mom who holds herself to unreasonable standards? Its normal to drown in a sea of clutter and crumbs and drool and regret? Because I find myself fantasizing a lot these days. I have day dreams that Goober and I haven’t had children yet; we’re still blissfully newlywed and childless and maybe have a small townhouse with a completely modern gourmet kitchen and more than one bathroom and manageable expenses and an active, fulfilling social life. Ahhhhhh, glasses of wine by the fireplace, watching a movie that isn’t a cartoon, maybe a last-minute weekend trip to the shore?
No. That’s not our life. And that’s not to say I wish we didn’t have children because I don’t. My children are my core, my everything. I think I love them more than my husband. And I would be utterly lost without them. They are the piece of myself I didn’t know was missing, no matter how crazy or angry or tired they make me (hourly). I know I’m lucky to have two such amazing, beautiful, healthy, smart, cuddly kids. But am I dying for a few days away from them to recoup and center? HELL YES!
So I’m trying every day to find a little “me time”. Its virtually impossible. I don’t kid myself. We have a small 3 bedroom ranch with one bathroom and one small TV room filled with the kids and their toys. My kitchen is so small its actually part of the hallway that goes to the bedrooms. No joke. So there’s nowhere to hide. Nowhere they can’t find me.
Naps are spent either under one of the kids or trying to catch up on laundry or bills. I aim to get the kids to nap in the car honestly, because then I might be able to sneak a nap in the driveway, or pump, or make a phone call or two, or sort the mail, or the like-all in the car, my mobile office. After they’ve gone to bed at night, I catch up on organizing our finances, which are shamefully, a wreck. Or SOMETIMES I’ll zone out and catch up on Game of Thrones or Nashville (but the TV wakes them up so, not often).
But my biggest goal (and I’ve already met with some success) is finally losing the weight I’ve gained with each pregnancy. Prior to Easter, I was doing a diet called Almased and it was working very well for me. I had energy, I felt good, not hungry, sleeping better, getting out for fresh air and walking with the kids in the park, and of course, losing weight. I managed to lose 15 lbs before Easter but then I made the mistake of ‘treating myself’ for the holiday. The following weekend was my son’s baptism, so I ‘let myself slide’ then too. And then I forgot I wanted to lose weight and ate everything in sight for a while. Then I got really sick and I’m just now getting over a really terrible bug brought on from exhaustion and poor diet.
So this coming week, I’m ‘treating’ myself to weight loss again. Starting the Almased again, starting up the daily walks again and getting me and the kids back on a routine. I’m tired of feeling like a fat slob (how many times have I written that before?) and looking like a frumpy, trashy, heavy mom. I look like I live at Walmart. (I kinda do.) And I’m turning 29 this year (I honestly don’t believe it) so I really need to turn things around. I’m in two weddings this year and going to a family reunion for the first time in years; I want to look good, damn it!
But it takes balance, and that’s what I am not so good at. I am impatient and disorganized and quick to anger, despite my best efforts. I give in too easily and let myself off the hook too often. So I’m still searching for a good balancer, something to help me stay on track and even my nature out a bit. Otherwise, I’m doomed to fail again. And I owe myself and my family more than that.